I Need Help


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Parents, the common thing all your children always tell me is that they don’t have someone to talk to. You could be the best parent in the world; your child will still need someone that is not you, to talk to sometimes. If life is challenging for you, I guarantee you that it is challenging for your child as well. You need someone to talk to yourself.

 

You can anonymously reach me on the “Ask SJ” platform here. Of course, I do privates – there simply is no way I can give you my best stuff anonymously via a column. There is a lot that is wrong with psychology. I don’t come cheap for a private consult. Here is a quick A-Z of referrals you can try.

 

A

Alcoholics Anonymous

Harare AA Contact Details: Anne – 0712 212 424. Arthur – 0772 698 790. Dean – 0772275095.
Bulawayo AA Contact Details: Vikesh – 0778600928

According to the World Health Organisation, Zimbabwean’s nearly out drink the whole fucking world! I still cannot believe that today. There’s nothing wrong with drinking alcohol. The problem is that you are an alcoholic. You are an alcohol addict and you don’t even know it – SJ.

 

Apology

Metaphysically, 50% of your problems in life could be cut right now if you apologised to people you owe apologies. Start – SJ!

 

C

Childline

Zimbabwe – 116 toll free or  W: +263 732 116 116 | UK – 0800 1111 toll free.

Often, people are just bad parents/guardians. I once reported a neighbour who was force inducing vomiting on her grandchildren by making them drink 20l buckets of water because her prophet her told her to do so for “luck.” Africa is a shitty place to come from – SJ.

 

Christian Counseling and Depression Trust

Pastor +263 73 320 7898 ccdepressiontrust@gmail.com

I’m not religious and I can tell you that this guy is good – SJ.

 

Clinic

No shits, seriously, please visit your nearest clinic if you are depressed. It’s $5. There is a very cheap anti-depressant available countrywide they should be able give you free – for free. You have to say that you are stressed out. If you go to a hospital (public or private) or a private doc, you will get a pricy prescription.

You can have the best army of top dollar doctors in the world, be careful with ALL anti-depressants of the world.  If you are not careful, you will have to come back to this page and see the drug prevention and rehab specialist listed under “M.” – SJ.

 

Contact Family Counselling Centre /CFCC

Bulawayo 09-72400 contact@contactfcc.co.zw

Gratis! Mahala! Mahara! It’s free! You can take your entire family for therapy – SJ.

 

E

Emergency Line 112

I have heard so many stories of house break-ins and the people will say they had no airtime to call the police while the robbery was in progress and they had a chance to make a call. The number 112 is an emergency line. It works anywhere in the world – even if your mobile phone has no sim card/line in it. It works anywhere in the world! Even if your mobile phone has no sim-card/line in it! The nearest cell tower/network provider will blindly catch your emergency call. Please don’t be a prank star. Pranks harm and injure other people who have real emegerncies – SJ.

 

F

Friendship Benches

This Zimbabwean concept is taking the world by storm – SJ.

 

G

Gays & Lesbians Association of Zimbabwe

http://galz.co

No, you don’t know about the bodily function known as sex as much as you think you do. Human sexuality is not a black or white issue. You and your church’s 4,000-year-old Stone Age Abrahamic view of human sexuality are driving you crazy and you don’t even know it! There is no human being that can defeat sex. That’s something that your preacher can’t teach. That’s something that your teacher can’t preach. As for your parents, teaching and preaching is not their best job. That is why they send us all to school on Mon-Fri and church in the other days – SJ.

 

 

Good Samaritans

 

 

M

Mthandazo Ndlovu

Drug Prevention and Rehabilitation Specialist +263 77 239 9734

 

Moses Mpofu Foundation

 

R

Reparation

Metaphysically, 24% of your problems in life could be cut right now if you paid in cash or kind to all the people you owe reparation for you to be where you are right now – SJ.

 

S

Sex Addiction/Sexaholics Anonymous

Most black men I speak to tell me that they suffer from sex addiction and they don’t know what to do about it. To be frank, I don’t know either. Please try the Sexaholics Anonymous – SJ.

 

Sex worker

Available on streets worldwide

You would be surprised to learn a lot from a sex worker – SJ.

 

Sue

People who borrow your money or don’t pay you for your services should be sued. You and your church’s 4,000-year-old Stone Age Abrahamic views that they will “burn in hell” one day is insipidly and utterly juvenile. Oh, you think your 5,000-year-old Hindi view of “karma” will save you? Sometimes, them not paying you what they owe is the very karma hitting you for not suing – SJ.

 

Suicide Prevention Hotlines

Bulawayo 65 000, Harare Toll free 080 12 333 333 or 726 468 Mutare 635 59

Your country has Suicide Prevention Hotlines. Please google – SJ.

 

Star Sign

Your date of birth is everything. There are some people you shouldn’t date or have sex with simply because of their date of birth (star sign) – SJ.

 

Stop to Start International

Best in the business! Zimbabwe’s worst kept secret! Pricy, obviously – SJ!

 

T

Thank you

Got bad manners huh?! Metaphysically, 24% of your problems in life could be cut right now if you said “thank you” to all the people you have never said thank you to – SJ.

 

Traditional Healer

Of course, despite you and your church’s 4,000-year-old Stone Age Abrahamic views, we all know that you visit your “trusted” traditional healer undercover. Don’t be shy. Be careful – most of you and your unregistered healers are responsible for the bastardisation of the black race. It’s “[y]our (dying, ancient and clumsy) culture.” Make sure your healer is registered. I strongly DO NOT recommend that MALES visit a traditional healer without the accompaniment of a female – SJ.

 

Y

Youth Advocates Zimbabwe  

Helpline or WhatsApp +263 77 746 9107 (8AM – 5PM only).

 

Z

Zimbabwe National Council for the Welfare of Children/ZNCWC

Maxim Murungweni maxim@zncwc.co.zw 04-741639

 

Zimbabwe Women Lawyers Association/ZWLA

24hr Gender Based Violence response line; Toll free: 08080131 or Hotlines: 0776736873 / 0782900900.

If your husband or wife/boyfriend or girlfriend/lover is beating you, it is called gender (domestic) based violence/GBV. You need help. If you have children in that environment, you are damaging their psyche for life by doing nothing. You and them really need help. It is severe to continue taking “happy family pictures” for public consumption.

Neighbours, you are just as guilty by “minding your business” when you hear violence (public or domestic) occurring around you. Please never intervene. Women will ask husbands, sons, uncles etc to “go have a look.” Pick up the phone, dial 112 and report. Your fighting neighbours are doing what is called “disturbing the peace.” I don’t care whether you are in Afghanistan or Zambia – you have a right to not to have your peace disturbed 24 hours of the day – SJ.

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